Last Thursday was a beautiful sunny day in Sointula, and after work, my friend Oonagh invited me to her place for a gin and tonic. Considering I was all out of tonic, I made my way to her home and we sat in the early evening sun, next to the tall cedars, and talked about life.
Oonagh is also a graduate of Royal Roads. About ten years ago, she completed her Masters in Conflict Resolution and embarked on a career helping eliminate systemic racism from the healthcare system on Vancouver Island. While the light breeze made the cedar boughs sway, we talked about the joy and challenges of trying to fix the broken systems of our society. When I broached the subject of kindness and how critical I felt this was to leadership, she responded with a quote that almost made me spill my drink – “Help is the sunny side of control.”
The quote comes from writer Anne Lamott’s 2017 Ted Talk “12 Truths I Learned from Life and Writing” (Lamott, 2017). In lesson three, Lamott talks about how finding personal serenity is “an inside job” and that each person needs the space and freedom to stumble, fall, and pick themselves up again to learn and grow. Providing too much “help” to another person while on this journey is a way of controlling their actions and response, trying to get them to mirror how you live. Too much help prevents them from experiencing their journey of learning and being.
I had always thought of help as a critical element of kindness. If someone is having a hard time and I can help them, it is my responsibility to do so. I offer help at work, in my community, and to my kids. I could feel myself getting my back up to defend my position (which, by the way, is not a good leadership quality, but I will save that for another post), but instead, I chose to listen.
Generosity is different. According to the theory of Tsawalk of the Nuu-chah-nulth Nation, generosity is a natural law (Atleo, 2004). In E.R. Atleo’s book Tsawalk: A NuuChah-nulth Worldview (2004), generosity creates and sustains relationships, making life more meaningful. Generosity begets generosity, so in giving to a person or community, they give back to you, making your life richer with food, love, support, protection, and connection. Generosity is not control. It is unconditional kindness.
I can see now when I have offered help instead of generosity in the past. Help is one person trying to fix someone else – the act of giving moves in one direction. Generosity is sharing what you can to contribute to the well-meaning of another person’s life and yours. It is reciprocal. Balanced. As I develop my leadership skills, generosity will become the centre of kindness.
Tomorrow I will go to the store and pick up some tonic water so I can be as generous to Oonagh as she was to me.
References
Atleo, E. R. (Umeek) (2004). Tsawalk: a Nuu-chah-nulth worldview, UBC Press.
Lamott, A. (2017). 12 Truths I learned from life and writing [Video]. Ted Conference. https://www.ted.com/talks/anne_lamott_12_truths_i_learned_from_life_and_writing
Cover Image Credit: Photo by Matteo Raw on Unsplash